Growing concerns: the teen challenge
A major developmental task for a teenager is to establish herself as a separate individual, with opinions and feelings all her own. Sometimes it’s a painful process, both for the teen and for the parents who see their cheerful, cooperative child disappearing right before their eyes…
Mom-daughter war driving dad nuts!
My wife and daughter, who’s 14, have always been very close, but over the past few months our daughter has become rude and irritable toward her mother. It seems like my wife can’t say or do anything right. I don’t want to interfere, but the bickering is driving me nuts. Should I intervene? And, if so, how?
Dr Erickson says…
You probably know it’s not unusual for both boys and girls in their early teens to become moody and to challenge their parents. And girls often find words to be powerful tools in that challenge.
Because moms are often the primary caregiver, they tend to take the brunt of the criticism. And if a mom and her daughter have been particularly close, the daughter may feel a need to push extra hard for a period of time to make that shift toward greater independence.
This doesn’t, however, mean that your home life needs to be ruined. Nor does it mean that there should be no limits set on your daughter’s behavior.
It’s important that you and your wife draw together at this time, working together to guide your daughter through this phase in her life and yours.
I suggest you sit down and talk honestly with your wife about how you feel about the conflict between her and your daughter. Then decide together how you’ll deal with your daughter’s behavior and, specifically, which behaviors are acceptable and which ones aren’t.
It’s hard to tell a person not to be irritable; however, as parents, you can and should communicate clear expectations to your daughter about treating family members with respect. For example, you can tell your daughter you understand that she feels cranky, but tell her clearly that it is not OK for her to make personal attacks, to curse, or name-call. Then, together with your wife, immediately impose a consequence such as a loss of a privilege if your daughter crosses that line.
You use the term ‘bickering’ in describing the conflict between your wife and daughter and that suggests your wife may be rising to – and perhaps escalating – your daughter’s challenging behavior. If that’s the case, I also suggest you talk with your wife about how you can support her in remaining clear, calm and parental with your daughter. When you’re under attack it’s easy to sink to your child’s level and begin a counter-attack. But it’s much more effective to say quietly, “I can see you’re upset. We’ll talk about this when you’re calmer.” With you taking a strong parental stand with your daughter, your wife should find it easier to avoid entering into the fray.
One last word of caution: if irritability seems to have become a way of life for your daughter – that is, if she remains extremely irritable over time and across varied situations – it could be a sign of depression or other emotional problems. Be especially alert to any changes in your daughter’s friendships, diminished interest in activities she normally enjoys, or a slip in school performance. If you see those signs, seek professional help from a mental health professional through your health care provider or your daughter’s school.