Kid communication dos and don’ts
Tweens and teens are desperate to be grown-ups, and their desire to have a say in how they live their lives can result in backchat and bad behavior. It’s easy to end up feeling emotionally distanced from them of all you get is attitude, but if you can keep the lines of communication open your mom-child bond won’t take a beating.
When Supernanny visited the Daniels family she noticed that mom Lisa was having problems in her relationship with oldest daughter Halley. Halley was at an age where kids push the envelope whenever they can in order to feel more independent, and Lisa wasn’t sure how to bridge the communication gap that had built up between them.
It’s a fact that toxic tweens and teens can darken your mood faster than a category 5 hurricane hovering just off the coast when you own a beach house. But although your temptation may be to close the door on communication you need to accept that your child suffers from the fact that she just isn’t very good at it even if she might seem pretty mature in other ways. She’s more likely to have an emotional outburst than think up a reasoned argument, and that limits her negotiating skills when it comes to gaining that independence and freedom.
And you know, sometimes your attitude might just be the red rag to the bull. Think about it: do you stand there with one eyebrow raised, sighing heavily, as she launches into her tween tantrum? Do you cut her off at the pass before she has a chance to explain why she didn’t complete those chores or finish that homework assignment? Sometimes there’s a subtext to that backchat – and it might be that she thinks you’re not really interested in what she has to say. Show that you are and help her get her point over with Supernanny’s kid communication tips…
Do… pick your moments
There’s no point in having at it first thing in the morning when she’s still half asleep and you’re racing around trying to get her out to the school bus and yourself ready for work. You can have a much calmer discussion if you wait until the evening, maybe when any kid brothers or sisters are in bed so you don’t have to keep stopping in the middle of your talk to fetch and carry for them.
Don’t… interrupt her side of the story
She needs to know that you respect her enough to listen to her version of events however she might want to tell it – so that means letting her vent her feelings even if she’s overreacting. Telling her you’re not prepared to discuss matters until she calms down means you might miss the emotions that are buried beneath the backchat. Yes she might be rude – but she might really be asking you to help because she’s confused and can’t cope with her problem.
Do… acknowledge her point of view
Instead of preaching a bunch of advice your child doesn’t really need or want, boost her self-esteem with comments like, “wow, what a tough decision”, or “it was a great idea to do it that way”. Sometimes when your child comes to you with a problem she’s not so much looking for your take on the matter as much as your approval of the methods she chose to tackle it.
Don’t… keep asking why
Your child’s behavior may well mystify you at times but accept that her impulse control is still a work in progress. Yes you want to try and understand what motivates her behavior – but you need to accept that a lot of the time she acts without thinking and can’t actually pinpoint why she chose a particular course of action.
Do… take her seriously
Your child may be like Carrie let loose at the Prom on occasions, but she’s at a difficult age. At heart she’s emotionally immature and sensitive to any criticism or slight – and this means she can easily be hurt if you twist what she’s feeling into a joke or laugh off her problems. They may be trite compared to your day-to-day struggle to parent and pay the bills, but they matter to her.
Don’t… keep repeating things
It is tempting to keep bringing up past battles and problems in an attempt to hammer home to your child that her behavior is getting you down, but your constant nagging can make your child feel worthless. It’s healthier to accept that some problems will never be resolved and move on.
Do… watch your tone
You know how your child’s backchat can often work you up into a Mach 4 rage? Well, count the ways in which your body language or tone might antagonize her. Shrugging, sighing, raise eyebrows, scowls, sarcasm, anger… need we say more? It sure isn’t going to help you come to a peaceful resolution!
Don’t… say you’ve been there, done that
Granted you were a tween yourself back in the day, and then you were a teen. But although you may think it gives you an insight into how your child is feeling it doesn’t. Your child is dealing with a whole bunch of different issues than you did, whether they’re centered on her studies, friends or lifestyle. Life is different now – different things matter to kids. Plus, your child may deal with things in a very different way, due to her personality and the way you parent. So always keep in mind that just because you were her age once that doesn’t necessarily mean you know what she’s talking about.