Help your teen cope with a break-up

When young love goes wrong…

You may view it as puppy love (and let’s face it: it’s a long shot that your child’s first crush will be walking back down the aisle with her in 20 years) but it’s vital you don’t trivialize your child’s first love – or underestimate its power to throw her off balance when it turns into first heartbreak. Your child hasn’t lived yet and doesn’t know how tough she’ll have to become to deal with life’s challenges. So to her, the pain of her first break-up will seem profound and never-ending. Be sensitive, and take it seriously – because although most kids get over it teen break-ups just fine, some don’t.

“Some relationships may seem so intense and so necessary that teenagers harm themselves when the relationship ends,” says Norma Clarke, MD, a child psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic, one of the nation’s leading psychiatric hospitals, and medical director of the clinic’s Adolescent Treatment Program.

Dr Clarke says she has treated patients who’ve attempted suicide, cut themselves and abused alcohol or drugs because they have trouble dealing with a break-up. An argument with a boyfriend or girlfriend is the second most common reason that teens attempt suicide, according to an Oregon study published in 1995.

A break-up signals to parents to be alert for signs of trouble in their teen’s emotional health, because they often keep their feelings secret. “If your teen falls off the deep end and you have a sense that you’re losing control of him or her, you need to intervene,” says Dr Clarke. Sudden changes in your teen’s behavior may also be signs that he or she is having relationship problems, she adds.

Signs a relationship has gone too far…

• Isolation Your teenager insists on spending all of his or her free time with the other person and stops seeing friends. “If the idea of not being with the other person leads to an outburst, you have to wonder, ‘how is it that you can’t be away from this person for more than five minutes?’,” says Dr Clarke.
• Sadness when apart Your teenager cries frequently, wants to be alone or sleeps more or less than usual, if his or her boyfriend/girlfriend is not around.
• A large age gap between your teenager and the boyfriend/girlfriend – more than three years and you could have problems.
• Constant talking on the telephone or chatting on the Internet Chat rooms and social networking websites can be dangerous places for teenagers with low self-esteem, looking for human connection. Child predators visit chat rooms in hopes of luring teenagers to a face-to-face meeting.

What parents can do

• Talk to your teenager about the relationship “Remind your child that it isn’t a good idea to get too involved with just one person. They should keep their friends, and they shouldn’t put all their eggs in one basket,” Dr Clarke says.
• Establish relationship rules according to your family’s morals and values. “It’s OK to say, ‘It’s our expectation that you will not have sex when you are (age you decide) years old’,” says Dr Clarke.
• Frequently monitor your child’s internet usage to see what sites he or she frequently visits. Stay abreast of changes made to your child’s MySpace or Facebook pages. Trust your instincts if the messages or content seems out of character and discuss it with your child.
• Be alert to cutting or other self-harming behavior, such as your teen no longer wearing short-sleeved clothing.

“Parents tend not to talk to kids about relationships or sexual behavior,” Dr Clarke says. “But keeping an open line of communication about friends of all types, activities and expectations is more welcomed by your child than may be apparent. I don’t think parents realize the impact they have on their teenager’s behavior.”

 

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