Growing concerns: discipine don’t
When it comes to discipline parents face the dilemma of trying to teach two important and sometimes competing lessons: that honesty pays and that destructive acts nonetheless have consequences…
If I punish my child will he ’fess up next time?
My child recently broke some pottery garden sculptures in our neighbors’ backyard on purpose and for no apparent reason. He told me about it, or I likely never would have known. How do I administer consequences for the vandalism without discouraging my child from being honest with me? I don’t want him to feel he’ll be punished for telling the truth.
Dr Erickson says…
Handled carefully, this situation offers an opportunity to teach both lessons in a way your child is likely to remember for a long time.
At this point, the reward for your child’s honesty will be pretty intangible, but important in the long run. He will need to hear from you, with warmth and sincerity, that you are glad he told you the truth and that you recognize it was courageous of him to do so. You might say, “It helps me learn to trust you when you’re brave enough to tell me the truth even when it’s something that’s hard to tell me.”
The fact that your child confessed to you indicates he knows he was in the wrong. So acknowledge that by saying, “I know you understand that was a very bad thing to do, and I believe you won’t do something like that again.”
That said, you’re still left with a destructive act that calls for some logical consequences.
To maximize your child’s learning, you’d be wise to engage him in deciding with you what he should do to make amends to the neighbors. Start by asking him, “What do you think should happen now?” If that question is too broad for him to answer, encourage him to see through the neighbors’ eyes by asking him, “If someone broke something special that belonged to you, what would you want them to do?” With guidance – if not on his own – your child probably will arrive at two important conclusions: he needs to apologize and he needs to replace the objects he destroyed.
Although embarrassing, the apology is the easy part. Your child may want to practice with you before he facec the neighbors. Depending on the value of the broken sculptures, and the age and earning power of your child, making restitution may be challenging. You probably will need to use your own money for now to purchase new sculptures for your neighbors, but you should work out a careful plan for having your child reimburse you for all or most of the cost over time. Although it may take quite a while, a portion of their allowance each week could be put in a special container. You also might give your child opportunities to do extra household chores to earn additional money. And finally, when he has paid off the debt, you might have hi write a note to let the neighbors know that restitution has been made.
With clear, logical consequences, there’s no need for angry lectures. Your child will have learned a memorable lesson about the value of property and the importance of facing the people he harms. And when all is done, you can give him a hug and tell him you’re proud of the way he took responsibility for his actions – and that you trust he won’t have to go through something like that again.