Books to help kids cope with death
Discussing death with children is never easy. Children can often feel confused and scared by the strong emotions and finality of death. But if you’ve been looking for just the right moment to talk about grandma’s illness or your son’s beloved dog died this morning, try a book-based approach for talking over death with children.
Talking through the tears
Young children often have a difficult time understanding the abstract nature of death. Developmentally, they can’t understand that a dead person is physically gone. They’re even more confused by media portrayals that show cartoon characters dying and then springing back to life. Children have an easier time digesting information presented in picture books targeted at their level. Books open the door to communication, as you can discuss together what’s happening to the characters. For example, you can ask your child, “How do you think Timmy felt when his dog died?” The book’s characters give them permission to share powerful feelings – even when those feelings don’t make sense. Many children feel angry and hurt after death, and may even say things like, “He hates Fido for dying!” Reassure your child that it’s normal to feel this way; or to feel both sad and angry at once.
Inviting questions and sharing emotions
Most books on death contain a special section in the rear, providing guidance on talking with children of varying ages. Children under the age of 6 or 7 need very precise explanations: “Fido’s body stopped working, and he died. His body is in the ground now.” Older children and teens will be more fearful and worried about dying themselves, or about other loved ones dying. They’ll probably ask more profound questions about why living things must die, and what happens after death. Share your personal beliefs, or use your chosen book for guidance (in heaven everyone will be reunited; or all living things go through a life and death cycle).
Books can help parents and children alike feel comfortable with the fact that some difficult questions have no answers. Children often want to know when you will die, or when they will die. They may ask what happens after death, in either a physical or spiritual sense. Share your personal (or religious) beliefs with your child, or say, “I’m not sure, I’ll have to think about that,” if you don’t have a ready answer. Older children may have even more questions, but are also more prepared to participate in the funeral or religious rituals.
Don’t be afraid to show your own emotions while reading together, and talk honestly. At the same time, try to demonstrate how to work through strong feelings as you read the book. Talk about all the wonderful things grandma did before passing away. After reading together, bake cookies using her favorite recipe or look at photo albums. Children older than 5 may want to draw pictures or write letters to express emotions or say goodbye.
Choosing books
For young children, choose simple books with few words and colorful pictures that help sustain interest and provide plenty of opportunities for reflection and questions. Older children will want detailed answers to their spiritual and scientific questions. Leave the books out where your child can see them but wait until he notices and asks to read them. Don’t push children to finish a book – some kids need plenty of time to think about a topic before moving on. If they seem either overwhelmed with information or completely uninterested, it’s fine to put the book down and return to the topic later. Try these…
Preschool
If your child has a friend with a terminal illness, it might be an important time to read a book such as The Purple Balloon, by Chris Raschka.
For young children a very simple title such as Bryan Mellonie’s Lifetimes: the Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children will help your child to grasp how everything on earth has a beginning, middle and end.
Younger elementary
What’s Heaven, by Maria Shriver, describes heaven in nondenominational terms as a beautiful place where the soul goes after departing the body. Maria Shriver wrote this book after her grandmother (Rose Kennedy) passed away as a way to explain death to her children. When Dinosaurs Die: a Guide to Understanding Death, by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown, has a direct, honest approach and familiar illustrations (Marc Brown illustrates the Arthur series).
Older elementary
What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?, by Trevor Romain, is aimed at older children and gives information in a Q&A format, with blunt and honest answers. Older children wanting to know more about the scientific processes behind death will appreciate I Found a Dead Bird: the Kids’ Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death, by Jan Thornhill.