Blended family boundaries
Discipline can be a huge issue in blended families. After all, the very fact that a blended family exists suggests that some tragedy – a death,
divorce or separation – has happened, and that’s sure to affect a child’s behavior.
A newly formed family can mean new demands on time, new rules and new restrictions. Above all else, remember that the kids probably had no choice when it came to their new family – it was forced upon them, and wasn’t necessarily what they wanted. Now it’s up to all of you to make the best of it…
Bad behavior?
A new family set-up brings its own problems but if a child persistently misbehaves, you’ll have to do something about it. “Discipline should be down to the birth-parent if possible,” says Supernanny’s relationship expert Paula Hall. “And if that can’t happen, you have to make sure that both adults in the house speak to the child together so she can see a united front exists.” Paula suggests some keys to maintaining discipline:
- No overt favoritism Children are very hot on things being fair.
- Be united Children need to know that the adults support each other, even on difficult decisions.
- Be patient It will take time for everyone to adjust
- Have house rules which apply to everyone so the kids will know what’s expected of them even when they’re only visiting for a weekend.
- Spend time with your kids on your own Let them know they’re still special to you and haven’t been ‘replaced’.
- Don’t spoil a child even if you feel guilty about the break-up of his family.
Keeping calm
It’s important to try to stay calm – even if a child tries to rile you by reminding you that you’re not actually her parent. You could agree “Yes, I’m not your mom,” but add that this doesn’t mean she’s allowed to ignore your house rules. Don’t worry if different rules apply at the other birth parent’s house. Children are good at adapting, and as long as there’s some consistency and they understand what applies where, they should be fine.
Don’t take it personally
Children often misbehave because their family has split up. Because of this, they may act up around a new step-mom or step-dad. However hard it may be to accept it’s not personal, and, over time, a new special relationship may begin. Think about it: it’s an introduction between two complete strangers who are going to share a home and personal space for some, if not all, of the time. If you don’t force it, it’s likely to grow. If may seem like your partner’s child dislikes you but that likely isn’t the case – it’s the situation and circumstances they dislike.