Staying calm with your kids

Keeping your cool when kids create

Being a parent is rewarding and enjoyable – but it can also be very stressful and frustrating. Most of us feel wound up by our children’s behavior at times – and occasionally we explode. So how can we stay cool in the heat of the moment?

Work out the why…

The way you view your child’s behavior influences the effect it has on you. Relating what she does to her developmental stage can help you see her behavior in a less negative light.

• It’s not deliberate Think your child is pressing those buttons on purpose? If you believe your child is deliberately seeking to upset you, then her behavior is bound to infuriate you. Let go of the idea that your baby or toddler is plotting to drive you crazy – this kind of manipulation is developmentally impossible in younger children, as it requires a child to be  able to understand that other people have beliefs and intentions different from their own. In developmental psychology this is called ‘theory of mind’ and it’s a relatively advanced type of thought process that doesn’t develop until a child is around 3 or 4 years of age.
• Understand his impulses Try to view your toddler for what he is: a curious little person enjoying his new ability to get mobile and explore the fascinating world around him. Even if he’s causing havoc, remember that he simply doesn’t understand that his actions affect other people. He hasn’t developed self-control, so he’ll act on impulse. 
• Curb your reaction If you have an older child who you feel is deliberately winding you up, try to look at why she may be doing it. Let’s face it: mom or dad flapping around in panic or frustration is a funny sight to a young child – and if she gets her own way at the end of it that’s even better. Perhaps she’s learnt that pushing you to the edge is the fastest way to get what she wants! Throw her off track by only paying attention to the positive behaviors you want to see more of. 
  

Dodge those bullets

If you can reduce the chances of meltdowns, tension and conflict in the first place there will be fewer chances of you reaching explosion point. Be aware that children readily absorb the emotionally climate around them – so if you’re wound up, so will they be.

• Keep your stress a secret Use clear, brief, simple commands and keep your tone polite, calm but firm. Children will pick up on any hints of stress, wavering or anger in your voice and this may make them more agitated or more persistent.
• Avoid sarcasm when speaking to your child. In the short term these kinds of comments will upset and provoke your child and in the long term they may cause a damaging erosion of their self-esteem. Plus, pretty soon he’ll be sending it right back atcha.
• Coach yourself in complimenting Parents are often aware of the importance of praising good behavior, but feel resentful about dishing out compliments to the little terror who’s causing so much grief. Set yourself small goals – for example, you could initially aim to praise your child for four instances of good behavior a day, then gradually build on it. The more you praise, the more good behaviour you’ll see.
• Hammer out house rules Agree a set of house rules and consequences – write these down and post them somewhere obvious. If you have a pre-agreed plan, your child knows where she stands, and you’re less likely to react hastily in the heat of moment.
• Take me-time Set aside weekly relaxation time – this isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. It could be a massage, a walk, listening to music or just a relaxing bath. Set up a babysitting circle with a group of friends if you’re struggling with childcare.
  

Snip that snap reaction

Reacting in anger often leads to rash decisions and sometimes aggressive responses such as shouting, smacking or hastily imposing extreme discipline. The result: you’re left feeling guilty and your child is left feeling upset and anxious. It’s fine to feel angry but it’s important to not let it control you.

• Tune into early warning signs that you’re getting annoyed such as your heart racing, feeling shaky or getting sweaty. Whenever you notice those signs kicking in, stop what you’re doing and try to look objectively at what has wound you up – this will help you to feel more in control.
• Avoid attacks State your feelings without attacking. Use ‘when’ and ‘then’: “When you call me names I get upset.” 
• Don’t debate it Now is not a good time to get into a debate. Show willingness to resolve things but just not now: “We can talk about this tomorrow over breakfast, but right now I’m feeling too wound up.”
• Take a time-out If your child is safe, remove yourself from the situation so you can cool off. Take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, trying to slow your breath as much as possible. Try clenching your hands tight as you breathe in then releasing them as you breathe out. This will turn down your body’s fight-flight response and makes you feel calmer. 
• Distract yourself If you can’t leave your child, use distraction techniques (counting, reciting song lyrics or a poem in your head) to stop yourself from reacting rashly. Use positive self-talk – say to yourself, “I’m doing the best I can” or “Keep calm!”
• Displace your anger with whatever works for you – vacuuming, singing along to a favourite song, doing exercise. Some parents find it useful to keep a journal to jot down how they feel after angry outbursts. This is a useful way to vent your emotion and also may be helpful in revealing any recurrent patterns in you and your child’s behaviors. 
• Seek help If you find you are regularly losing control of your anger and it feels like nothing is helping, you may benefit from seeking some professional support and advice.
  

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