The same page technique

Working as a team

Before you had children, how often did you and your partner need to work together as a team or take turns in relying upon and supporting one other? Answer this and you’ll probably have the reason why so many of us disagree with our partners over family matters and why we sometimes don’t see that a joint approach is needed.

The same page technique is a way to open communication between parents, to get you thinking about what you each do right and acknowledge where you could step up to the plate and work together.

Step 1: Work out why you can’t communicate

Communication between parents may break down for many reasons, but the most common is when one of you feels overburdened in their parenting or household role (this may be due to work commitments or routine, not just because you’re living with a lazy partner!). Or it could be that issues from your childhood and the way you were raised are preventing you from following through on discipline with your own children. When every attempt to talk descends into bickering, you need to take time out to work with your partner and find a way forward.

Sit down with your partner once the children have gone to bed to discuss what you admire about each other’s approach to the family and what you’d like to see changed. If you feel self-conscious, write points on paper and hand them to each other to read

Step 2: Pinpoint the problems

Work out what the problems are in your family. If it’s a specific issue, such as disciplining the children, do either of you have any ideas about how you could address the problem? Discuss some rules you could put in place and make sure you’re both committed to them.

Step 3: See both sides

You can’t work as a team if you and your partner still seem to be going over the same old problems again and again.Try putting a clock between you and giving yourselves a set time – say 20 minutes – to write down both sides of the story and find a solution (even if the solution is that you must agree to disagree!).

Step 3: Work as a team

Accept that you’re both parents and that you both need to do your fair share of parenting. To share the house chores, try the step up, step back technique. This is a simple exercise – all the household chores are written on slips of paper and put in a large box, and mom and dad mark which they’re responsible for. If it seems one has an unfair load, the other should step up and take some of these responsibilities on board. If the kids are getting away scot free, try the shared chore technique to help housetrain them so they can begin to take some weight off mom and dad’s shoulders! Even your toddler isn’t too young to help with simple chores.

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