Dealing with extreme behavior
Children see violence played out all around them, at school, on
TV and even at home – and research backs the theory that there is a link between what kids see and what they do.
When it comes to TV, the American Psychological Association’s position is that children’s exposure to violence may decrease their concerns about victims' suffering and their sensitivity to violent acts. It could also increase the likelihood that children will copy the aggressive acts depicted in the show or movie.
Teaching kids that kindness counts
Parents must also look at their behavior – everything from an authoritarian style of child rearing to displays of violence in the home may promote the same sort of behavior in children as they struggle to solve life’s problems.
“There are no difficult children – only parents who, with the best of intentions, nurture difficult child behaviors and do not set appropriate limits for their children,” says Dr Jacob Azerrad, clinical psychologist and author of Anyone Can Have a Happy Child.
Hold that thought and ask yourself these questions:
- Do I offer a clear, consistent set of rules, consistent enforcement and consistent punishment? Children can receive mixed messages about their behavior, and resort to acting out – even violently – when they do not understand their boundaries.
- Do I offer my children emotional support by helping identify their problems, and working with them toward constructive solutions? Aggressive behavior can be a tool for children to cope with jealousy, frustration or other difficulties. Unless they are guided toward more reasonable approaches, children can use aggression to achieve immediate satisfaction.
- Do I promote academic achievement and extracurricular activities? Children who understand goals, and put the work in to achieve them, are less likely to see violence as a solution. School, sports and other positive activities all help children develop problem-solving skills.
- Is there substance abuse in the home? Children in households where one or more of the parents has substance abuses problems are more likely to use extreme behavior to get what they want. As they get older, their likelihood of engaging in similar behavior increases.
-
Children learn about nonviolence first and best at home. The message you impart as parents should be clear and unequivocal: No hurting!
Finding solutions
Don’t coddle your child when he’s acting out
Dr Jacob Azerrad notes that children will do what it takes to get noticed. If a parent reacts to a tantrum by coddling or soothing the child, the child sees that his bad behavior has had positive results .
Instead of coddling, try rewarding your child’s positive reactions to difficult situations. Parents who have fallen into the habit of offering attention for disagreeable behavior often have a hard time shifting their focus to agreeable behavior. Dr. Jacob Azerrad suggests the following:
- Be on the alert for behavior that indicates growing maturity, and make a note of it.
- Sometime later, remind the child of the behavior, and when he or she remembers the event, praise the positive response.
- After praising the child, spend some time with your child doing an activity he or she enjoys.
While punishment is necessary in some cases, it is amazing how much can be accomplished by simply ignoring the behavior you don't want and noticing the behavior you do want, says Azerrad.
Ending the cycle of hurt
Children who act aggressively – both physically and emotionally – are often responding to parents or siblings who do the same, according to Dr. Robert Needlman, developmental and behavioral pediatrician at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland and associate professor of pediatrics at Case Western-Reserve University School of Medicine, writing for the Dr. Spock website. "Children learn about nonviolence first and best at home. The message you impart as parents should be clear and unequivocal: no hurting! That applies to the entire family, and parents are the most important role models.
“Parents who make a practice of never using insults, put-downs, and sarcastic comments – either to adults or to children – set a powerful example for their sons and daughters.”
Keeping kids active
Children are full of energy, and easily distracted. It is easy for parents to fall into a routine of plopping children in front of the TV where they do not exercise their bodies or minds.
Enroll your children in after-school programs that keep them active. If your child is a thespian, try an acting group. If they are interested in athletics, try a community soccer league. Your children will exercise their minds and bodies, and expend all of that pent-up energy that might otherwise be used aggressively in the home or at school.
Psychological considerations
If you suspect that your child is using aggression and other extreme behavior to cope with mental problems, talk to a qualified mental health professional. Your child may be exhibiting signs of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or another childhood behavioral problem.
Although psychological care can be controversial, especially surrounding the issue of mood-altering drug therapy, there are many therapies a qualified mental health professional will consider – everything from counseling to changes in diet – on a case-by-case basis.