Divorce: keeping your kids clear of your crisis
Hollywood star Lindsay Lohan has been hitting the headlines a lot recently – and not for the best of reasons. But her parents have also been having a difficult time, including an unpleasant divorce case.
Lohan’s parents, Michael and Dina, have been criticized by the judge hearing their family case. The couple were told “not to make disparaging comments in the presence of the children” – Lindsay’s two younger siblings. The judge may have been referring to this specific case, but it’s a comment which will strike a chord with estranged parents worldwide. When you’ve fallen out, just how do you try and remain civil for the children?
Don’t make your kids take sides
“Children want to be secure and do not like their parents being criticised,” says Dr Jack Boyle, a psychologist who specializes in children and divorce. “They hate being caught up in parental quarrels, especially when each parent tries to get them on ‘their’ side. Some children can become anxious and aggressive, even towards each other, because they may have sided with different parents. Above all, what parents need to do is think what the children want.”
Divorce can be unpleasant and acrimonious but for your children it’s often incredibly sad too. They’ll find it hard to cope with the thought of their family changing forever, and of being separated from one of their parents. And as those parents, it’s your duty to think of the children, and to try and act in a mature way. “You need to separate parenting issues from the issues concerning the two of you as a couple,” says relationship counselor Paula Hall. “For example, try to explain that while Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is not OK, Daddy is still their parent – and a good one.”
It’s vital to try to keep emotions in check. No parent is perfect – but before either of you denigrates the other in front of the kids remember that if you criticize each other it can affect your children’s self-esteem and their confidence in that parent. “Children may begin to feel that if Mommy doesn’t like Daddy anymore perhaps they shouldn’t either,” says Paula Hall. “You don’t want to make it harder for them to continue that relationship, or force them to make a choice. What’s definitely true is that the children who fare best are the ones able to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes you need to sit on your feelings.”
United you stand…
You may run into all sorts of problems if your kids sense you aren’t on the same page when it comes to discipline. It’s important to keep up a united front – otherwise one or both of you could find you’re being taken advantage of. Follow these tips…
- Don’t discuss or criticize each other in front of the children.
- Be polite and courteous to each other.
- Acknowledge each other when you meet – shake hands or invite your estranged partner into your home, rather than leave him or her outside on the porch or driveway.
- Avoid making comments about your ex-partner’s new girlfriend or boyfriend.
- Don’t use your children as ‘spies’ to find out about what the other parent is doing.
- Be aware of possible changes in behavior when it comes to your child.