It’s Possible ... Now do it
For children, affection and attention from mommy and daddy is their whole world, so it can be complicated when they feel like they aren’t getting their fair share. Even as parents strive to give equal treatment to siblings, sometimes they will show favoritism.
Regardless of your children’s different behaviors and personalities, it is possible to avoid favoritism, and help each child feel like they are getting the positive attention they deserve.
Sibling rivalry
From a young age, many children see their siblings as a roadblock to time with mom and dad, or a roadblock to what they want. When they are persistently battling with their sibling(s), it may indicate sibling rivalry, a habit that can have negative effects on sibling relationships and the family dynamic.
Parents have a tool to battle sibling rivalry — reason. Rather than simply punishing children when they get jealous, melt down, or tease and pick on their siblings, target the root cause of the behavior — your child’s perception that you are favoring another sibling.
- Don’t engage the behavior. Problems of sibling rivalry cannot be solved during the fight. (Of course, exceptions are in order when fighting escalates.)
- Don’t take sides ... encourage your children to work out their problems constructively.
- When the fighting is over, talk about it. Without assigning blame, teach your children problem-solving skills for the future, and teach them respect for the other sibling’s perspective.
- Look at yourself. When a child is competing with a sibling for your attention, perhaps it is a sign that you need to reevaluate how you share time with your children.
What’s fair is fair
If one child perceives he or she is not receiving equitable treatment, it might be helpful for you, as a parent, to take stock of how you dole out punishment, reward, quality time, etc. Take notes about how you react to your child’s behavior.
At a very young age, children will start to display unique traits and talents, and often parents will favor certain traits (athleticism, artistic creativity, humor) over others. Part of fair treatment is to encourage and develop positive traits in your children, regardless of whether you share a personal interest. If your child’s interest is music, for example, you don’t have to have a musical bone your body to encourage them to practice and hone that skill.
And remember that attention isn’t a commodity that can be dished out in equal portions. Some children may have emotional and other developmental needs that require more attention — favoritism is when one child receives more positive treatment than others.
They know how to get what they want
It is easy to underestimate a child’s ability to manipulate their parents and siblings. Children have an innate sense of how to push their parents’ buttons, whether it is by directing attention away from another sibling, or goading a parent into giving them negative attention.
Identify the behavior and determine what motivates your child. If they are thirsting for a boost in self-esteem, then help them develop their talents, and encourage them with positive reinforcement; if they are feeling jealous when a new sibling is added to the family, ensure that they are part of the child-rearing process.
With a little effort and introspection, children will see that regardless of who mommy and daddy give attention to, there is enough love to go around.