Time-out for mom and dad…
All moms and dads get angry at their children. It's normal to feel anger when we’re interrupted for the nth time, confronted with serious dawdling when we're in a hurry, or find a mess the children made just after we cleaned up.
My parrot taught me to stop screaming at my children. One day I came home from work, no doubt stressed out, to find the front hall full of possessions the children had scattered on the floor. I yelled something like, "Rachel! Jeb! Get down here this minute and pick up this mess!" The parrot immediately imitated me. He didn't repeat my words but he sure played back the raucous tone of my voice and I was ashamed of the way it must have sounded to my children. From that moment on I made a conscious effort to speak more quietly.
It is frightening for a child to see mommy or daddy lose their cool. Babies quickly learn to recognize ‘friendly’ and ‘non-friendly’ faces – and they turn away from the latter. Babies also don’t like loud noises and, worst of all, they are terrified (even the pre-verbal ones) that mommy and daddy, on whom they are so dependent, might withdraw their love.
So it is important for parents to learn how to control their temper in front of the children. Controlling your temper starts with self-awareness. You must be aware of your feelings. Some moms and dads think they’re supposed to be calm and generous angels of nurturance 24-7, no matter how tired or busy they may be. This, of course, is an impossible goal but it leads some parents to repress their feelings until they explode.
Memorize the following slogan: BEFORE YOU EXPLODE OR DROP, STOP! With the exception of when the baby is in the bathtub there is no time you can’t leave the scene to take a parental time out.
A parental time out starts when you feel you’re about to lose it. Sometimes you can take a time-out in place by counting slowly to 10 or taking five deep breaths until you compose yourself. But if you’re heating up to boiling point, put the baby in a safe place such as a crib or play yard and leave the room until you’ve calmed down. It's OK for the baby to cry. This is far better than being frightened by the expression on your face. Screaming and crying is certainly better than being hit or shaken.
You can send an older child to his or her room, or merely say, "Mommy is angry and needs a time-out. I'm going to my room to cool off."
The parental time-out does two things. Firstly, it prevents us from scaring the living daylights out of our kids. But it also models a grown-up way to deal with feelings. You see, it's actually healthy for your child to see you get angry and demonstrate a socially-acceptable way to deal with a feeling that every human will have at times. What's bad for the child is to see your anger explode. Feelings are OK – acting out those feelings is not OK because it hurts or frightens others.
What you do during your parental time out depends on what works for you. Perhaps you could look in the mirror and make faces until you feel like putting on a happy face. Relaxation exercises, such as tensing and relaxing muscle groups, can help. I found lying down on the floor with my eyes closed and visualizing myself in a peaceful place worked for me.
To be angry is human. But to frighten a child with your anger is wrong. To take a parental time-out is probably as close to being divine as a busy parent gets on a busy day.
By the way, if your work is unpredictable try to figure out what can be done when you have a peak workload. This falls into the ‘expect the unexpected’ category. Make contingency plans for those days when the load is heavy. Perhaps there's a trustworthy teenager in the neighborhood who can play with the kids for an hour or two; alternately, in an emergency a children’s DVD will buy you some time.
When you’re swamped, figure out ahead of time what you can omit from the household routine. Kids don't have to be bathed every day, you can order in a pizza, and you certainly don't have to vacuum on a busy day.
Busy women must learn to ask for and expect help… and when you've met your deadline you can fix a nice dinner for your partner or the neighbor who helped you out in your emergency!