Growing concerns: the ‘N’ word
When your child is pestering, nagging and whining for what he wants it’s way too easy to give in for a quiet life. Trouble is, parents who are a soft touch just set their kids up to keep repeating the cycle – plus, it’s unfair to leave all the tough discipline to your partner…
I can’t say ‘no’ to my kids!
My wife keeps telling me that I give in to everything our kids want and that I'm never willing to say no to them. She’s right, but I find myself just not able to make them unhappy by denying them what they ask for, whether it’s material things or privileges. Do you have any words of wisdom for a dad who’s too much of a softie?
Dr Erickson says…
Oh yes, kids can break our hearts, can’t they? And sometimes it’s just so much easier to give in than to hold fast to what we know is right. However, keeping an eye on the long-term goal of parenting sometimes helps to strengthen our resolve. We need to ask ourselves, “What kind of a person do I want my child to become?” Always giving in to children’s pleading sends them a clear message that pleading is the way to succeed. And that’s not the message most of us want to give our kids.
So, next time your kids are pushing for something and you’re not sure that it is best for them, try these three steps…
1 Reflect on it
Take a deep breath and say you need to think about it for a while. Then get all the information you need in order to weigh the pros and cons, making an unrushed decision based on careful thought. Sometimes kids create a sense of urgency that makes us think we have to give them an answer right on the spot. But making a thoughtful decision sets a good example for our children – and it allows us to discern more clearly when it’s time to say no and when it’s just fine to say yes.
2 Listen up
Listen to your children’s wishes and feelings, and acknowledge them. Even when you decide that it’s not best to fulfill their hearts’ desires, a simple “I can see that you really want this” at least lets them know you take their feelings seriously.
3 Explain your reasons
When your answer is no, state it gently but firmly, and give a clear, straightforward reason your children can understand. Then stick to your decision no matter how much your child pleads. If it’s appropriate, you might suggest an alternative – something else you would allow your children to do. Or, if it’s a material thing they wanted and you aren’t willing to pop for the cost, engage your children in figuring out with you how they might earn it over time. Learning to delay gratification and pursue a goal are important parts of growing up!
There’s no doubt some of your decisions won't mean you win the parent popularity contest in the short term, but the rewards for you and your kids will be great in the long term. Although they may not tell you this until they’re adults themselves, over time your children will come to see you have their best interests at heart. And you’ll be helping them develop a deeper sense of appreciation for the things and the privileges that are theirs.