Agreeing to agree on parenting
Parents often have different ideas when it comes to raising their kids and it’s also common for one parent to get stuck doing the lion’s share of the childcare while the other schleps in front of the TV. Dwight Doyle’s lack of initiative when it came to stepping in and helping out his wife Brandy with the kids and the chores meant she had little quality time with the couple’s three children and the bored kids acted up to get some attention and ignored their parents’ attempts at discipline.
Working as a team is vital when it comes to parenting, even if you orbit opposite sides of the parenting spectrum. Whether your instinct is to say yes every time and dad errs towards the negative, or you like to negotiate compromises and dad reckons his word should be law, it’s important your kids don’t catch you disagreeing. You need to be seen to be backing each other up even if your heart isn’t in it – otherwise your children could end up playing you off against each other.
Working as a team is vital when it comes to parenting, even if you orbit opposite sides of the parenting spectrum
Supernanny’s house rules and techniques help you create a parenting plan of action that you can fall back on when you’re in danger of disagreeing. Think of parenting as a business contract, and spell out just what you’re both going to bring to the partnership – who does what, what kind of behavior you won’t tolerate. You might disagree on the specific methods you use to raise your child but at the end of the day you both want to raise a good kid who makes the right choices and grows into a responsible and successful adult. So talk to each other about how you help your child reach that point.
Think about how you were raised – are there any tactics your parents used that you felt worked and want to emulate? Or are there things that turned you cold and made you feel resentful? Did your dad get involved with you or was he detached – if so, how did that make you feel? How did they discipline you and do you think the same methods would work with your child? What values did they instill in you? Even minor things, such as your childhood eating habits, chores, and leisure activities, are worth revisiting. Use the results of your discussion to draw up your parenting plan – and then when your partner isn’t doing his share or the kids are acting up you can tell them they have to co-operate – that’s just the way it is.
Clarify the behaviors and actions you simply will not tolerate – backchat or aggression, for example. Then think about areas where you might be prepared to bend a little – bedtime, chores, poor table manners – and the consequences can be a tad more lenient. Setting all of this out in advance means you can rest assured that your partner will back you up when the time comes. Compromise wherever you can: you can even trade for what you want – for example, set a rule you feel strongly about in return for setting one your partner feels strongly about.
When you do disagree, fight right – that way you’ll teach your child about negotiation and compromise rather than put downs and sarcasm. Disagree in a way that doesn’t disrespect your partner in front of the kids – so not something like, “how is ice cream a good idea half an hour before dinner!”; more something like, “that’s a great idea but why don’t we wait until after dinner and then go out?’ Take a breath and decide what’s a healthy, non-argumentative response to the situation and you’ll make a better choice.
Disagreements are inevitable, but constant disagreement and conflict isn’t healthy and your child will pick up on any ongoing disharmony. Agree to agree, do your share – and present a united front to your child.