You’re not my mom!
Around two thirds of remarriages involve children from the prior marriages, and result in the creation of blended, or stepfamilies. But while the adults may see the creation of a stepfamily as something positive – the beginning of something joyful – their children may see it as the final nail in the coffin for their parents ever getting back together. With these very different agendas, how can you make sure your stepfamily works as well as it possibly can?
Take your time
For the children involved, a blended family can be a real negative – an end to the family they lived in before. Many will feel they’ve ‘lost’ a parent, and won’t welcome someone new. It takes time to change those feelings, so don’t rush it. You need to make it clear to your children that your new partner isn’t a substitute for their other parent – it’s someone extra. Your new partner is a step-parent, not a substitute parent.
Keep up the contact
Ensure your children keep in contact with their other parent, even if you don’t get on. You need to separate your own feelings about the relationship which failed from what’s best for your children. Your kids will probably be missing the parent who’s no longer living with them, and you need to be conscious of that. Make contact with their other birth parent easy for your children – le them use text and email if it can’t be face-to-face. Your ex-partner may have done you wrong, but that doesn’t mean he or she is an awful parent.
It may be hard work, but a stepfamily can be a second chance for you and your children
Don’t badmouth your ex
Never, ever criticize or discuss your child’s other parent in front of him. Often children play up because they’re unhappy at not seeing both parents. Being rude about the other one in his or her absence will just make things worse.
Make time for your children
It’s obviously important for your new family to spend time together, but it’s also vital that your own children don’t feel pushed away. If your new partner brings his or her children to your relationship, that can make it all the more difficult for your kids. They may be especially conscious of losing time with you, so combat this by specifically spending time with them and letting them know how special they are to you.
Make time for yourselves
Sometimes life in a blended family can become so overwhelming that you don’t spend any time with your partner. This can be dangerous. There were reasons you got together – don’t forget them because life gets in the way. And don’t spend all your time talking about the kids!
Beware of the baby!
A new baby can create a blood link between step-parents and all their children and show everyone how committed you and your new partner are. This can pull a blended family together, but it can also introduce new undercurrents of jealousy. Even though a new baby is hard work, you mustn’t ignore your older children. They don’t want to feel pushed out by a new half-brother or sister. What’s vital is that you talk about it. Make sure you tell the older children that a new baby is on the way, and that they don’t hear about it from anyone else first – and reassure them that they’re still as loved as they ever were. It’s also important not to make the baby too much of a symbol for your new union. This can put untold – if unconscious – pressure on your new child, and can create future problems for her.
Avoid favoritism
Present a united front when it comes to discipline. Make sure all the children in the house – his and yours – know that there are house rules and that you follow them. Try and let the birth parent discipline his or her own children, but if that’s not possible, back each other up.