Get busy doing nothing!
Parenting today has come to resemble a relentless to-do list. Even parents with the best intentions strive to micromanage every detail of their kids’ lives and live in constant fear that their child will under perform when it comes to their studies, social life or sports.
Hyperparenting has evolved from the belief that within every parent is the power – and obligation – to craft the perfect childhood for our kids. It’s a philosophy built on the belief that the right possessions and enrichment activities, combined with regular practice and intense parental guidance, will enable every one of us to raise a perfect kid who’ll get into Harvard, Yale, Duke, UVa, Stanford, or Princeton (aren't those the places where successful kids go?) and therefore and thereafter, will lead a life of fame and fortune. Children not given these enrichment opportunities will end up hopelessly behind, losers not winners
Boredom serves a purpose. It lets you imagine, create new worlds and hear your own voice
But the fact is, parenting shouldn’t consume every last bit of our time, money and energy – it’s not good for us as parents, and it’s potentially dangerous for our children and their healthy development. As a parenting philosophy and method of childrearing, hyperparenting is harming our families. It keeps our kids from becoming self-reliant because it deprives them of the experiences that teach them how to make their own way in the world.
What’s the solution? Unscheduled time. Cut back 5-7% in scheduled activities – that's all you need to recapture sanity. Relax and spend unproductive time with your child – and send him the message that you like him just as he is. Here’s how…
1 Limit activities
Think long and hard before signing up for new activities. Some families make firm rules (such as one sport per child per season) while others make decisions on a case-by-case basis. But if you say yes to too many enrichment opportunities, the whole family will pay the price. Weigh the benefits of participation against the cost - time, energy, logistical effort, stress, and expense - to you, your child, and the rest of the family.
2 Develop healthy skepticism
Be discriminating about the advice you pay attention to. Experts should help alleviate stress, not add unnecessary anxiety to an already overloaded life. There are trends and styles in science, health, nutrition and education, just as there are fads in fashion and home design. One year we’re encouraged to limit fat in a child's diet; the next we’re warned that doing so may be harmful. Two years later studies come out announcing that, in fact, it is OK to restrict fat intake in small children. Who knows the truth? In most cases, moderation and good judgment are the best standards.
3 Give yourself a break
Your family life is meant to be your own creation, an ever-changing dance between you, your children, your spouse, your family and friends, and the community at large. Do it your way. You only get one chance. The next time you experience it, you will be watching your children being parents. So embrace the uncertainty, enjoy the new dance steps, and know that because you are trying hard, because you are an individual, and this has never been done quite this way before, you will feel awkward at times. That's the human condition - it's normal, and it is fine.
4 Prioritize family
Relationships matter, maybe more than anything else. Our children are with us for a short time before they head out into their own lives, busy with friends, college, jobs and eventually their own families. We ought to enjoy them, and the brief flicker of time we have with them. Family life shouldn’t be overloaded with chores and commitments. If your family is too busy to hang out together, if you and your spouse hardly ever spend time alone together as a couple, adjustments need to be made. Family time should be as important as education, athletics, social activities and other outside commitments.
5 Character counts
A lot! Know that how you live your life in front of your child matters more than how you tell him he ought to be living his. Character lasts a lifetime. Live the values that are important to you, because your children will emulate your daily conduct when they grow up and go out into the world.
6 Be unproductive
A life that consists of endless activities demonstrates to our children that we expect them to be hyperactive workaholics who run from 6am to 9pm with no rest. It tells them they need to work hard at polishing and perfecting themselves, and says implicitly that we don't believe they’re good enough as they are. It’s good for families to spend unproductive time together, shooting hoops, taking walks, playing games, sitting and talking, reading. The fact that you, the parent, enjoy spending time with your child with no apparent goal lets her know you find her more interesting than just about anything else in the world – and nothing will bolster her self-esteem more effectively.
7 Remember childhood is a preparation, not a performance
No one ought to be on stage all the time, not adults and certainly not children. Kids shouldn’t be judged on every aspect of their performance in life – it puts too much pressure on them, and too much pressure on us. By definition, children are immature and shouldn’t be expected to perform to adult standards. Resist the pressure from coaches, and the media, that tells you how to push your child to excel early.
8 Enjoy yourselves!
Our brief time on earth is meant to be enjoyed… at least sometimes! Our closest relationships should be a source of pleasure, not constant pressure and tension. Childhood needn't be an endless treadmill of productivity and self-improvement. Kids deserve to have fun, down time, and empty spaces in their lives to fill any way they choose to. Many supposedly ‘fun’ scheduled activities are anything but fun – they’re tense, pressured times when a child is expected to perform. Remember, if your child enjoys his time with you now, it’ll stay with him forever.
9 Accept there’s no single, right way to parent
Every family is unique and must find its own way in the world – its own values and priorities, its own strengths, its own interests. So disregard the experts who believe they have the one right answer. With some caveats, we should all feel free to raise our children our own way – but in order to figure out what that is, each of us needs to invest some time and energy into learning what our lives are about, what we believe in, and what we value. Rush a little less; reflect a little more.
10 Trust yourself…
Don't believe the experts who tell you they know how you ought to raise your child. When it comes to your family, you are the expert. You are the best parent your child could ever have. In the words of the good Dr. Benjamin Spock, who said it first and said it best, “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”