How to resolve your discipline differences
It’s happened a hundred times before: you assume one thing is acceptable and your partner assumes the opposite. You wonder: why is he punishing the kids for that? Why is he ignoring that bad behavior? And why can’t he see my point of view? Ultimately, the reality of relationships is that not all differences are resolvable.
Most of us learn how to be parents and how to be partners from our parents. We see how they did it, make decisions about whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, and then adjust our parenting and relationship skills accordingly. So if you grew up in a house where mom did all the discipline and dad was the laid back one and it never did you any harm, chances are you’ll do the same. Conversely, if your dad was a strict, authoritative disciplinarian, you may decide that discipline is best left to moms.
When couples disagree on fundamental issues about family life, such as discipline and division of responsibility, they often make the mistake of trying to establish who’s right and who’s wrong. But more often than not, there is no right and wrong. If your family history is different from your partner’s then you first need to accept that neither of you has the moral upper hand. Once you can accept this, you can stop arguing about what the other one ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do and focus instead on what the two of you can do together to compromise. The following tips can help you find that middle ground…
Find a common goal
Often when we’re stuck in the thick of an argument we forget that underneath the differences lies a common goal. You’re parents together, you love your kids and you both want what’s best for them. On top of that, you undoubtedly want a harmonious family environment and a relationship that’s fun and rewarding. Remember that both of you are trying to travel in the same direction – you might just have different routes for getting there.
Agree to disagree
Differences of opinion are inevitable. Rather than trying to convince your partner to share your point of view, accept that you’re different and you’re each entitled to see life through a different lens.
Reach a compromise
Having agreed that you share the same common goal and that you’re each entitled to your opinion, sit down together and work out how you can move forward. Take time for each of you to share your perfect scenario then discuss the points that are essential and those that are arbitrary. For example, you may agree that you’ll support your partner in ensuring your child eats at the table even though it’s not important to you, in exchange for your partner supporting you in encouraging your child tidy away her toys. And you may agree to give up on making sure the dishwasher is loaded before bedtime in exchange for him reading the bedtime story three times a week. What’s important is that you negotiate, so that neither of you feels you’re sacrificing any more than the other.
Pre-empt arguments
Many couples find there are particular flashpoints during the day when they’re most likely to argue. Typically this is first thing in the morning when everyone’s rushing to get out of the house, mealtimes, or bedtime. If this is the case then plan ahead how you can avoid this happening. Learn what triggers your arguments – it could be something as simple as your partner raising an eyebrow or always sighing when you ask them to do something. Discuss these triggers with your partner and agree how to eliminate them.
Nip rows in the bud
If you’ve gotten into the habit of arguing over the same old things time after time, then it’s all-too-easy to slip back into those bad habits even after you’ve reached a compromise. Remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt and gently remind each other that you’ve agreed on a new approach. Some couples find it useful to set a code word – when one of you uses it you agree to a time-out until you’ve both calmed down.
If all else fails…
For some couples there are hidden pay-offs for continuing to argue. It may be that there are resentments that lie much deeper than the surface things that you argue about – but rather than face these issues, you bicker about trivial things. The main issue may be something that happened in the past or an ongoing problem that has become too difficult to talk about. Arguing about something else allows you both to air your feelings, but avoid talking about the real problem. The only way to stop this destructive cycle is to address the deeper issue. If this feels too difficult to do alone then you could consider talking it through with a relationship counselor.