Turn sibling rivalry into sibling revelry

When brothers and sisters fight…

When you introduce your sweet newborn to his big brother or sister you’ll do it with a song in your heart, happily imagining a sibling relationship straight out of The Waltons. And your firstborn probably will be enchanted and intrigued by the new arrival… for about a day and a half.

After that it’s likely that her opinion will range from “Why does he cry so much?” to “Can we send him back?”, with brief spells of “Leave my stuff alone,” and “Get out of my room!”. And as far as the baby of the family goes, he may think he’s second-best and feel pretty jealous that his big brother or sister got there first, can climb that tree, stays up later… But what can you do to end the constant battles and build lasting bonds?

Why do they fight?

It’s simple: they’re different! Kids at different ages are at different developmental levels, and this affects the way they relate to each other. It also means they may have very different needs when it comes to you. They’re also likely to have different personalities and temperaments. Add a liberal sprinkling of the jealousy that’s bound to occur as they vie for your attention, and there you have it…

• Baby vs toddler
  The two-year age gap tends to be the norm and pits baby against toddler. Your baby is curious and once he gets on the move nothing is sacred, least of all your toddler’s toys. In walks your toddler, who is just reaching the assertive stage but lacks the communication skills to express her displeasure verbally. At the least you’ll have one crying baby protesting the forcible removal of the new plaything; at worst, a category 5 toddler tantrum.
  
  
• Kindergartner vs grade-schooler
  Your kindergartner will probably seethe as he’s marched off to bed while his big sister gets to stay up and watch Hannah Montana – not a day will go past without a chorus of “It’s not fair!” ringing through the house. In turn, your tween is likely to resent what she perceives as favoritism as you make allowances for the baby of the family but expect her to ‘act her age’.
  
• Teen vs tween
  Your tween is likely to follow the older sibling around desperate for some attention, wanting to be like him, dress like him, talk like him, get to do all the cool things he does… on the other hand, your teen wants to flex his independence and may thoroughly resent having to spend time with his younger brother or sister, much less helping you out by entertaining them and setting a good example.
  

Help peace break out

Bring your kids closer together by taking a close look at how you relate to them and deal with your own disagreements, as well as creating an atmosphere that encourages sibling revelry instead of triggering sibling squabbles…

• Fight right…
  Your kids are influenced by what you say and do in every aspect of their lives. If they see you explode if something doesn’t go right for you, they’re likely to react that way themselves. Set a good example by facing up to problems calmly and constructively – and praise them when you see them sorting out their differences in the same way.
  
  
• Avoid labels…
  If there’s one thing guaranteed to sow the seeds of resentment between your kids, it’s comparisons. You may well think introducing your oldest as ‘the clever one’ is perfectly harmless – but you’ll end up with one kid who’s convinced that being the clever one means she isn’t the pretty one, and another who thinks she’s not as smart as her sister… On the same note, avoid making statements such as “Why can’t you do something the first time I ask, like your brother does?”, which could breed an inferiority complex.
  

• Explain yourself…
  Kids at different developmental levels and different ages have to be treated differently – there’s no way around it. You can’t let your 5 year old sit up till 8pm watching TV. But when you’re explaining why, keep it clear and neutral, to deflect any notion of preferential treatment: “Cody gets to stay up later because he’s bigger and he doesn’t get as tired as you.”
  

• Celebrate siblings…
  Remind your kids just how great it is to have an older brother or sister and vice versa… you could remind them how the other one always gets upset if her brother or sister is hurt or sick; about how they always have someone there to play with and talk to. Tell them about your own siblings, if you have them, and concentrate on the fun times you had together as kids and how they’re still always there for you if you need a friend. If you’re an only child, perhaps you could tell them tales of a friend’s older sibling you might have looked up to when you were young. Reinforce the notion of sibling teamwork by doing activities together: maybe a puzzle or a board game one night a week.
  

• Point out privileges…
  If your younger child is whining about not getting to do the things his big sister does, remind him about some of the things he gets to do that she doesn’t – for example, you spend a lot of time with him during the day while she has to go to school. It might also help to give your younger child some special things he alone gets to do to make him feel special: he could get involved in Little League or soccer so he feels he’s doing just as many interesting things as his older sibling.
  

• Don’t play favorites…
  Sometimes you may well feel closer to one of your children, maybe because they’re younger and more vulnerable or maybe because they remind you of you or are just easier to get along with generally. You may subconsciously favor your older child, introducing her to visitors or friends first and chatting to her more because she has more to say and has reached the stage where you can have an intelligent conversation with her. Avoid this if you can – it may result in your younger child feeling left out. Work against it by including your younger child in conversations and activities with her older sibling: if big brother is practicing his recorder for school, get her in on the act with a musical instrument of her own; if you’re helping him with his science project, break out the craft box and let her create something of her own as you work. It’ll distract her from starting arguments because she’s bored and wants attention.
  

• Plan in special time…
  This is particularly important if your older child is still fairly young and having to get used to a new baby in the house. Don’t forget: he’s had you all to himself for several years and now has to share you for the first time. New babies take up a lot of time and if you start to miss out on the special things you and your older child did together before his baby brother or sister came on the scene, he’ll feel rejected and jealous. Have alone time with your older child while his baby or toddler sibling naps; take your tween or teen to the mall or a movie while dad, or a relative or friend, watches your younger child.
  

• Respect your kids’ space…
  It’s tempting to give into a whining younger child if he’s clamoring to play on his big sister’s computer or hammering on her bedroom door because he wants to be involved in what she’s doing. Trouble is that your older child’s pile of ‘stuff’ is probably of vital importance to her and your younger child is likely to destroy it.  Give your older child her space and let her have her privacy – if your children have to share a room, try to set it up so each child has their own distinctive area (a screen is a useful boundary). Forcing them to play with each other and share their things will lead to resentment – encourage them to do it instead.
  

• Don’t expect older kids to parent…
  Once your older child reaches a sensible age, he can help out with his kid brother or sister – but don’t overdo it. You’re still the parent and while it’s fine to ask an older sibling to keep any eye on what the younger one is up to while you get the dinner ready, or maybe monitor them while they do their chores, you shouldn’t be involving him in discipline or any other parental responsibilities.
  

• Stay neutral…
  When your kids fight it can be difficult to pinpoint who started the mayhem if you were out of the room at the time. Imposing house rules can help you avoid taking sides – having a blanket no hitting, no name-calling, no teasing, no tale-telling policy means you’re well within your rights to discipline them both even if they’re trying to shift the blame onto each other.
  

The upside of anger

There’s always a silver lining, and as long as no blood is drawn there are benefits to all that bickering. When your children square off against each other they’re learning to stand up for themselves and fight for what they believe is right. And having to work out solutions is an important lesson in learning to co-operate with others and work out a compromise if they can’t agree.

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